Used rather than loved.

The first step to be a good man is this: You must deeply feel the burden of the stones some else is carrying.” — Mehmet Murat Ildan

When I was 15 it was 1986, TopGun, Crocodile Dundee and Platoon were the big films, Whitney Houston, Spandau Ballet and Madonna ruled the charts. Yes it was a while ago!

I’m 55, my world at 15 was vastly different to the world teenagers navigate today. When I was 15 the internet was barely three years old, phones were attached to walls, and social media was shouting out your bedroom window to your mates to meet in the park in ten minutes!

Even now I don’t really live in that online world, nor should I actually.

As a youth-worker I am constantly looking at the causes of some of the challenges that our young people face. We know many of the obvious ones; social media, difficult family situations, struggling to find good friends, uncertainty in the world and just the pressure of being a teenager in 2026. All of these bring a variety of youth ministry challenges, but also for many, being part of a youth group can bring much needed solace and safety.

Over recent days the internet has been alive with stories around the ‘Cornell 7’, a group of guys accused of an utterly horrific assault in 2024. I have no doubt there is more to this story, and stories like it, that will come out in the coming weeks. As I read articles I slipped between anger, frustration, confusion and a deep sadness. I am sad that this happens and that girls are objectified, taken advantage of, undervalued, used and completely disrespected.

Yes our conversations need to be about keeping girls safe and offering wisdom but the more urgent conversation is around the behaviour of guys, whether under the influence of drugs and alcohol or not. This isn’t something that girls are doing, it is something guys are doing. The problem isn’t girls, it’s guys. Absolutely we offer ways for girls to be safe on nights out, ways in which they can protect themselves, but surely the bigger conversation is with the guys that behave in a way that is abhorrent. What has allowed this behaviour to go unchecked? What has shaped these young men to think and behave this way? What gang mentality allows allegiances and friendship to be placed above the safety and care of another human being? I don’t have all the answers, I don’t understand all the ‘whys’ but I know we need to talk about this.

I have been reading a lot about the stories coming out of the US and it has actually kept me awake at night as I consider just how to appropriately start a conversation about these topics, staying quiet is not an option! It is clear that alcohol and drugs are playing a significant part in these stories but we also mustn’t lay completely blame there when we know everyday conversations and interactions between guys and girls can be far from affirming and uplifting.

This quote is both beautiful and deeply truthful, I love it; “People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.”

The way we look at each other, value each other, engage with each other, see the potential of one another is broken and needs to be healed. The people that surround us, chosen by us intentionally or not, will shape how we feel about ourselves. We hope the other person would see us as lovable, interesting, encouraging, worth their time. As people speak value into who we are, that value then shapes us, and that then shapes how we engage with other people. There is a brokenness in some young men, and actually some older men, that is causing a devastating ripple effect flowing outwards to every interaction and relationship between men and women.

I think we need men to strive to be ‘selfless’ and not ‘selfish’, something has shaped some guys to think they deserve something, they are more important than others, that anything and anyone can be pursued and taken as property. The conclusion of this way of thinking is what we are seeing unfold in the news, young men treating women and girls as less, as an object, as something they can simply use.

Over the last few months we have been regularly gathering dads and guys to start conversations about uniquely guy challenges. The ‘Adolescence’ programme and the voices of the Tate brothers have prompted us to speak about our sons, to as what the role of a father is. We have spoken about how we parent as dads and how we long for our kids to hear voices that build then up rather than imprison them in darkness and constant striving for affirmation. These conversations have been both incredible and difficult, but they have also allowed us all to share part of our story and feel like there is a way forward, a way to be better men, better parents, better friends. My hope is similar conversations with groups of young men will allow vulnerability and honesty to birth a ‘masculinity’ that defends, loves, protects, challenges, fights for the weak and seeks to build up rather than push down.

I was small when I was 15, played point guard in basketball and used my size to get round people. Now I’m bigger, there’s not a lot I’m afraid of (still not a massive fan of fairground big wheels). Being strong, bigger, a fuller presence is a gift. I am always aware of this and how I should use it, because there are people who do not have it. 13 year old me was always afraid, I always felt weak. When I was about 10 or 11 I remember being unable to defend an older girl in our group who was being harassed, I remember standing there weak and also angry at how these older boys were behaving. At 13 I couldn’t do anything, maybe now I can! Maybe I can have conversations that would prompt guys to defend girls while at the same time getting them be accountable to one another around their behaviour, language and attitude towards girls.

I see why people say that guys have an intrinsic gift of protection, to rescue, to save, to be heroes. Protecting those who don’t feel safe is a role for us, a gifted role. To use our voices, our strength, our leadership, our maleness, to protect. But if this isn’t modelled to young men then they won’t see it as something to pursue. The home may not be the space where this can be discovered, so how can schools do more, how can our churches do more? How can genuine, wise, caring older guys come alongside young men and be mentors that teach something that is so essential to being a ‘good man’.

In the coming months we are going to start gathering young men and hoping to begin some conversations, conversations aimed at helping us all be better. Our start point is to listen to the sisters, girl-friends, women in our lives and take the time to really hear how they feel when in the company of guys. The temporary, small discomfort of guys hearing truth maybe a sensible place to start, (although I am convinced it isn’t a comparable discomfort to what girls face on a regular basis!) Guys may not want to hear it but we need to, there is a hard truth out there which will hopefully having a jarring and repentant effect.

Maybe we also need to talk about the dreaded ‘group banter’ that often seems to go too far without anyone calling it to stop. We need to talk about the roles girls and guys take in the world and in relationships and what our upbringing and environment has told us to be true or not true. We definitely need to talk about consent, and then talk about consent some more so that we really get it. But also, particularly in our youth groups, we would be blessed to talk about ‘imago Dei’, the fact that all of us are made in God’s image, the beautiful gift of being able to connect with God and reflect His marvellousness. Those young men from Cornell cannot have looked upon that girl and seen what God crafted fearfully and wonderfully, and with a beautiful purpose. So what went wrong? This is the conversation we need to have so that we might start a journey to girls feeling safer and seeing their own profound value, but also guys would embrace their privileged role as a loving protector, parent and friend.

These conversations aren’t just important, they are vital…

“The mark of a great man is one who knows when to set aside the important things in order to accomplish the vital ones.” – Brandon Sanderson

Turning candy floss into concrete!

I don’t know whether you like candy floss or not, I can’t say I am a big fan of it. But I do remember as a kid holding some candy floss in my mouth and discovering the sensation of it dissolving away pretty swiftly. Candy floss is simply sugar and so doesn’t take much to disappear! Now be patient with me as I make a slightly trivial link to our encounters with God over the summer. I am NOT saying these encounters are fleeting or easily dissolved, but I am saying we need to almost ‘solidify’ them with some action now we are home. I believe most, if not all of them, were God at work, using our time in community amongst ‘a great cloud of witnesses’. I mean how often do we get to worship alongside 1000’s of others, how often do we get speakers bringing their ‘A’ game to encourage and inspire us, how often do we get these concentrated times of fellowship and friendship, for many of us it isn’t often enough. I want us to imagine we are choosing to turn ‘candy floss into concrete’, to ensure what God has done will stay with us, and maybe even grow into something even more significant in the months and years to come.

Maybe this summer while at a Christian festival or camp you had a wonderful, joyful and emotional experience with God. Maybe God spoke to you, gave you a vision or picture, allowed you to feel free during worship or even healed you in some way. I thank God if that is the case and I hope God continues to encourage you with His presence. The reason for my simple ‘candy floss into concrete’ analogy is to inspire and encourage you to take these experiences and lay them as the foundational bricks of your faith journey for the coming year. Take what God did through you as evidence of how God does things on purpose, not just for a moment but in order to strengthen us, bring us closer to Him and then to point others back to Him. God is a builder and a gardener, he loves to build and grow. If you watch a builder or gardner you will see them be quite specific, careful and planned. You can’t just leave a garden to grow by itself and you can’t just place bricks in a pile hoping they will turn into a house. I fully believe God may have started something in you this summer, working on you like a building or a garden. He laid a foundation or planted something that He isn’t going to leave to chance, He is going to pay attention to you. We help God out by seeing what He has begun as important and investing our time and energy into our relationship with Him.

A few ideas to help you solidify and build on what God is doing:

Find space for yourself and find people to journey with: I would say it’s really important that you find some time alone in the coming term, not too much that causes you to be lonely, but just enough to take a breath and sit with God. We need these times, Jesus did it, Jesus took time away before and after significant events, he knew this was essential to see and hear what his Father was doing and asking of him. Find time each week to just sit with God. It might feel weird or difficult to start with but stick with it. Leave your phone elsewhere or turn it off, start with 5 minutes in the quiet and build it up to longer each week. The world is pretty noisy at times and there is so much demanding our attention, God doesn’t always get a look in. Take some time away from as many distractions as you can.

Then find a friend, find one other person who maybe also connected deeply with God this summer. Choose to meet up often and pray and read the bible. Share your thoughts and wonderings about what God might be saying to you both. By sharing stories and encouragement we can hear more of what God is doing in us, as it says in Proverbs 27; “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

Then lean into your group. Whether your group is 5 or 10, ensure you prioritise time with them. As the term starts and life gets busy we can sometimes choose other things over youth group. But these times together are vital, they enable all of us to benefit from the community. This ‘great cloud of witnesses’ that we were part of over the summer is still with you, make time for them. The group will be your support and encouragement when the term gets hard. They will inspire you and you will inspire them as you delve deeper into your faith. God loves it when we gather, the bible is full of times of blessing when we choose to gather. “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!” Psalms 133:1

Then encourage your group to gather with other groups. I know we might not be able to recreate that tent full of 4000 young people but I reckon there are other youth groups just a few miles from your own. Find out who they are, suggest a meet up, whether it is for a social or a worship time. Between your groups I guarantee you will have a bunch of young people that could lead worship and bring a message. Find a bunch of adults to get the space and food sorted for you and then get your youth leaders chatting. It doesn’t take much to make this happen and the blessing will be huge. Maybe you will then be able to build something significant in your area, a gathering that makes it easier to invite friends to, friends that need the Jesus that you met this summer.

Create a memory: take what God did through you, in you, and write it down somewhere, maybe write a blog that will encourage others. Maybe stick it up where you will see it daily, laminate it, make it a bookmark, save it as your phone screen for the coming term. I still have a piece of gaffer tape on my bible from years ago where God secured something in me. I have a picture of the archangel Michael overcoming the devil painted by the artist Raphael, it is framed and mounted behind my desk. It speaks to me about a time when God said my past is not defining me and that God will always fight for me. Think how you can place something on your fridge, notice board or bedroom door, seeing these often can be a great reminder of what God is doing in you.

Pass it on: telling your story will give others permission to tell their story. Sharing how God has worked in you will help others see how God speaks, and that God might also speak to them. Rarely does God do something that is just for us, just for the moment. Like the boy who gave his lunch to feed 5000, the woman who encountered Jesus at the well and then went to tell a whole village, or the beautiful and vulnerable moment between Peter and Jesus on the beach that started Peter on the journey that would establish the whole church. We all need to tell our own story, we need to tell people how Jesus has changed us, spoken to us, restored us. By doing this we enable the original encounter to go far beyond just ourselves. If God met you this summer, tell someone all about it, let your light shine, it will send ripples of God’s power far and wide.

“I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:3-6

Bringing the fields, the festival and the friendships back into church.

The chances are your church youth group has headed off this summer to one of the multitude of Christian festivals or camps on offer. These times away are incredible and I believe essential in the lives of young people. It actually doesn’t really matter which one you go to, it is the time away together, connecting with God and each other, where the life happens.

We are taking our group to the Satellites Festival in Shepton Mallet, but other amazing festivals are available including Limitless, DTI (Dreaming the Impossible), NewDay, Luminosity, YoungLife Cairn Brae, Wildfires, Focus, David’s Tent and no doubt others I am less aware of. I think every youthworker will agree that a time away is significant in the faith development of both individuals and the wider group. A deepening of many things happens during these times away, where time seems less rushed, meals are shared, we start and end our day together, there is freedom to talk, and play and share how life is going. Having been involved in taking a group and running a camp I believe these times are critical in faith development but also in faith retention. I am not sure young people will remember your amazing session in a dusty room in the church hall. But in a field, in a tent, with big wild worship, surrounded by 1000’s of other searching young people, with the freedom to ask questions and reveal more of who we are, here something happens! I think in this chosen place of gathering God rewards us with His presence, a presence that is always on offer to us but as distractions are removed and we intentionally choose a field and a big tent, God hears our combined hearts, and responds!

Please don’t think I am saying that God does not move and meet people in dusty church halls, He does, thankfully, God meets us weekly in the faithfulness of leaders and in His generosity as we open ourselves up to Him. But these times away have an energy, dare I say ‘a magic’, they seem to give permission for great things to happen. These times away are always, always, worth our time, our money, our consuming vast quantities of pot noodles and having to sleep on the floor in a tent.

My friend Sarah gave a Tedx Talk a few years ago on the idea of ‘collective effervescence’, or collective joy. This what happens when groups gather together at a concert, a football game or even a Christian worship gathering! This shared experience of dancing or singing or simply being together has a profound affect on everyone involved. Yes it is spiritual but it is more than that, it is a beautiful, loud proclamation that we are connected, we share something in common.

Sarah says: “The brain interprets these others bodies as an extension of your own, leaving you more connected. The boundary between you and others becomes blurred.”

As we realise this connection, and allow it to speak into our emotions, our behaviour and our choices, we will see the group as more than just a group of people we have ended up in a tent with. Over time we build deeper, stronger relationships that can enable us to withstand many a storm.

French sociologist Emil Durkheim, who explored the idea of collective effervescence back in 1912, spoke about how “individual identity softens, making people feel part of a much larger group mind.” So as we gather, we feel more connected, part of something. With all the challenges of isolation, loneliness and not being understood, we now have part of a solution…

“We don’t heal in isolation, but in community.” ― S. Kelley Harrell

So what can we learn from our group time in a field experiencing this mysterious ‘collective effervescence’? Well let me de-mystify it for you; it’s not rocket science, just keep gathering! BUT, find a way to gather well, gather often and gather with others. It may be your youth group is a decent size and you almost find yourself having regular moments of collective effervescence, if so, give thanks as you are blessed. But most of us, most youth groups are not huge but they are filled with young people who are wired for community (even if their phones have re-wired them to not pursue it in person!). As you spend time with your group, and amongst many other groups, I pray the experience will kickstart something for you and your church. Young people are not consumers they are ‘experiencers’, so church should feed them this way. Sitting listening to someone talk for too long is not what they need, being part of something, being involved, being in community is what they need.

I remember being a chaotic young teen and away on a farm as part of a summer camp. I didn’t know what community was and I didn’t know I needed it, I just knew I would rather be in this field in a tent than at home. I remember getting up at 6am to peel potatoes, I remember insane games that involved us chasing, wrestling, falling and getting hurt. I remember night hikes and shared meals. But I also remember the group, the singing, looking round and wondering why I felt something different here. This was God’s voice calling to me, showing something to me. This was the embers of ‘collective effervescence’ and His Spirit at work in me. Over 40 years later those memories are shaping how I prioritise my time and my ministry. Gathering isn’t a luxury, it is the life-giving gift of the Creator.

Gathering is key, more than just ‘our’ group, choose to connect with neighbouring groups, those you met while away. Gather your whole church – these multi-age times will benefit your whole community, more than you know. The deep bonding and connection of ‘collective effervescence’ doesn’t only happen in a field in a tent, it shouldn’t only happen in a field!

Photo: Unsplash. Anthony Delanoix

For such a time as this.

There are a few times in history where it seemed like the world stopped, people taking a moment to pause and reflect, aware that this moment they were in was significant. These moments seem to have happened in different ways at different times. I was reading about the Christmas Day truce during the 1st World War; fighting stopped so the dead could be retrieved and trenches repaired, but also songs could be sung, gifts exchanged and even a game of football was played! A similar pause happened across the globe as we all navigated the pandemic of 2020, everything we had lived as “normal” was now on hold. We were reminded abruptly but wonderfully of the power of community and the simple joys of gardens, neighbours and Joe Wicks. As I scanned recent history it seems these moments happened elsewhere, like when Princess Diana died, when Nelson Mandela was released from prison, the 9/11 attacks, when the Berlin Wall fell and when man first set foot on the moon in 1969.

People see a significant event as an opportunity to think differently, to almost ‘reset’ and ensure that in the days, weeks and months that followed, life could be different, maybe better. With the fast-paced life many of us experience we don’t always get time to reflect and adapt, maybe this is a chance to allow the previous social media madness to be replaced by the joy and refreshing of deep community and intentional gathering.

What if the upcoming social media ban could be the greatest gift to youth ministry and the church in recent time? What if this is a moment of pause and reflection for us all? What if this decision, albeit unpopular with some, could be a time where we are able to improve the mental health of one generation and enable another to avoid the damage of decade of mindless scrolling and unhealthy role models? What if we could gather people in-person not because of a relief from a pandemic but because we choose to knowing it will bring life in a fuller, deeper way?

For some there will be a sense of loss, a version of grief; online communities, gaming groups and connections that have been made will be lost for those that have to give up social media. It’s worth taking the time and thinking about what the changes will mean and the potential impact the ‘new normal’ will have on young teenagers. So…

What will be lost?

Even though we don’t know the exact details of what will be included in the ban, and within other suggested restrictions, we do know that it will be significant for teenagers. I think we (adults) need to pause before simply saying “it’s for the best” without fully understanding the communities that many young people have been part of online. Yes much of the internet is unhealthy, but also young people connect while gaming, share photos with friends from adventures, birthdays and holidays. They can swiftly connect with people across the globe, friends that have moved away or family that live abroad. I know so many young people that have shared their gifts of creativity, music and drama via social media. Teenagers pick up and improve skills as well as discovering support for their chosen passion or even their studies. Yes I do believe there will be vast benefits from the social media restrictions, but these benefits may be felt the most by those under 13, those who have yet to be fully immersed and overwhelmed in these spaces. For those aged 13-16 there will be a sense of grief, it will take time to see the ‘why’ behind these choices that have been made on their behalf!

What is needed?

To put it simply, empathy and patience! Yes in the big scheme of things that are happening across the world this isn’t a big deal! But let us view it from the perspective of a young person who may have found friendship and an outlet for their joys and passions. Young people have only known having a smart phone so it will be hard for them to simply stop. We know as adults how hard it is to ‘give up’ something, or to keep up with the early morning fitness routine. I do believe that young people are hugely resilient, and much like we joke about when kids are younger they ‘bounce’ when they fall and don’t get hurt as much as we do when we are older, young people will get through this pretty quickly and we hope without too much impact. I also think what is needed is a form of partnership and collaboration in this. Friends of mine that go to the gym say it is helpful to have a friend to work out with, to share the journey and keep a sense of accountability as you aim towards a fitness goal. I wonder whether as adults we should intentionally try to reduce our own phone use, to try and be more present in the company of young people and our own children. I imagine it will be harder for young people to deal with these changes if all they can see is a bunch of adults staring down at their phones!

What can we do?

There is a huge irony that as I go about my day I probably see more adults on their phones than young people! Adults have coffee dates with friends where they are both simply staring at their phones. Adults walking down the street unaware of what is going on around them because they are walking with their gaze fixed downward to a screen.

So one thing we can do is set an example of quality time without the need to have a phone in our hands. Maybe even don’t have it out, hide it away in a bag, away from the constant checking and distraction from the beautiful people that are in your present company. Get creative with telling stories, asking questions and playing games. I guarantee you your friendships and relationships with be better because of it. Phones have given us many things but I do believe they have stolen some hugely precious things that a phone cannot provide; time with people, physical touch of another human, genuine interest in another persons story and the simply pleasure of laughing and discovering things in the company of a real person.

Churches have been incredible at responding to need, whether that has been warm spaces during the winter months for the older generation, or food banks and regular community for families in need. What about the church stepping up and offering a space for young people? Yes it requires a bit of planning but with just a few faithful volunteers, an appropriate space and a regular offering you will make a huge difference. Young people that are a little lost and reeling from the restrictions will find friendship, connection and maybe a even find a path to discovering God and His purpose for their lives.

What will it give us?

Maybe, just maybe, a whole new appreciation of the people in our world.

The worldwide average daily phone use for an adult is around 4 hours 37 minutes!! Over a year that would mean you would be on your phone for around 70 days, 70 DAYS!!!! No matter what you watch or scroll through, that is a HUGE waste of time.

My hope is that young people will find new outlets for their creativity and hunger for interaction. I pray that friendships will deepen and our stories would become entwined. I pray laughter will be loud and gathering together become a regular, essential and joyous experience.

As I was researching ‘blue zones’ for a Tedx Talk I gave a few years ago I discovered that longevity and ‘full life’ is available to us all through three simply pursuits. If we prioritise these three things; choosing community, investing in a ‘tribe’ – so being there for one another often, and also helping one another find purpose, our ‘ikigai’. If we shape our time round these three things, life is fuller, longer, healthier, better. Surely we are being offered an opportunity to set down something that took life and step into something that could bring life.

Imagine have 70 extra days in your year to do new things, explore and go on adventures, to cook for friends, paint, read, play, eat.

“The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul.” – Dieter F. Uchtdorf

It’s up to us to create places that can bring life…

A place to play.

A place to laugh.

A place to try something new without fear of failure.

A place to discover a new skill, a new friend or a new passion.

A place to eat with friends and not-yet-friends.

A place to hear new stories and tell your own story.

A place to feel safe and seen.

A place to be known and get to know others.

Dave Boden (author of ‘Raising Gen Alpha’ – those born after 2011), says this…

The answer cannot simply be less social media. It has to be more of something else: more friendship, more belonging, more adventure, more purpose and more opportunities to contribute.

Churches can offer something screens never can: shared meals, intergenerational friendships, sports, creative projects, serving opportunities, outdoor adventures, spiritual retreats and mentoring relationships.

As we all reflect on the potential social media restrictions that are coming to the UK next year. I would guess, depending on whether we have teenagers in our house or not, that opinions are mixed. But I would hope, even with teenagers in the house, doing nothing isn’t a great idea! This is an opportunity for us to gather ‘in real life’ more and more. If you have followed the 267 story for any length of time you will know gathering is at our heart; community, collaboration, sharing time, meals and life together is what we love doing. Is our ability to do community, to play and to pursue joy actually ‘for such a time as this’? For years we have gathered young people at Fuel, the iconic New Years Houseparty, multiple residential trips and more recently at the exciting and popular Illuminate events. These spaces are needed more than ever, but maybe also they are needed more often! I see the life that happens when we gather, young people have the time to ‘look up’, to laugh, interact, play and discover a deeper connection. 267 has always done this but we have battled the damage of screens and social media. I wonder, I just wonder, is this ‘ban’ a time for us to lean into gathering and community even more. To create safe, joy-filled and joy-fuelled spaces, gatherings that bring life and allow for stories to be shared and REAL connection deepened. This is my pursuit for the coming season, doing what we have always done but this time with an urgency, an intention and because it is needed more than ever.

Photo: James Baldwin. Unsplash.

Have you ever fallen into quicksand?

I found out this week that quicksand is portrayed incorrectly in every film I have watched, ever. I always assumed that if you fell into quicksand it was game over, unless some random branch was nearby, or you had a friend to help who had managed to somehow avoid following your foolish route. Apparently quicksand has to obey the Archimedes Principle (I read that!), which means that objects sink only until the displaced fluid equals their weight! So if you fell into quicksand and didn’t struggle, or go in head first, you would be fine but just waist deep in sand! My reason for ‘Googling’ quicksand and now passing this essential, life-saving information onto you, is because I have been thinking about ‘instability’ and the challenges (quicksand) we all face as we navigate the world.

I met a couple of 18 year olds while volunteering at a friends youth group, I chatted and prayed with them, and both of them shared an acute awareness of this ‘instability’ that seems to be prevalent in our world currently. They spoke of the uncertainty of the outcome of their exams, their future job prospects, relationships, money and even the chaos unfolding in different parts of the world! But wonderfully, and with great passion, they also shared their unflinching faith in Jesus. I was standing their humbled and encouraged by their awareness that in the midst of such turmoil the only place they would find safe, firm ground was in God.

They are navigating the tension of the unstable world and all its impacts alongside the stable, life-giving Jesus. It appears they are in a minefield looking for a path through, looking for safe places, safe people and Jesus-centred environments. They are aware of the quicksand and are trying to avoid being dragged under by it, to do this they find solid ground, a ‘firm foundation’ from which to face the world and their future. These two young men, a third of my age, were showing a strength becoming adults that are unashamed, bold, genuine, committed and passionate – I wanted to spend more time in their company, they lifted my own faith. Forget about young people finding older mentors, I think each older person should be seeking out a young person as their own mentor!

I see much of this instability as deep uncertainty; the world is drowning out purpose, joy, servant-heartedness and community with the noise of selfish desires, temporary pleasure and the pursuit of fame and finance. Our young people are walking out into a world where potential quicksand is everywhere – finance, relationships, influence, trust of leaders, climate change, world peace, even within the church! As a community of believers we should be striving to create spaces where we can have honest conversations and ‘do life’ together with all its challenges and frustrations. We need to host spaces where young people are celebrated and can be be reminded of what a life built on Jesus looks like, and where we as leaders can learn and be encouraged by their boldness and faith. A place where there is a rhythm of life that encourages our feet to be placed firmly on the Rock that is God.- “Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.” Psalms 71:3

CS Lewis said this about ‘noise’ in The Screwtape Letters in 1941 – “Music and silence-how I detest them both!… (Hell) has been occupied by Noise-Noise, the grand dynamism, the audible expression of all that is exultant, ruthless, and virile-Noise which alone defends us from silly qualms, despairing scruples and impossible desires. We will make the whole universe a noise in the end…The melodies and silences of Heaven will be shouted down in the end.” WOW!

Young people are leaning into God because of this, they are challenging the noise, knowing God is a place of refuge when all other things are unstable – or just too noisy! The two young men that I spent time with are pushing back against the noise, they were reaching out for the God who can steady us and they are incredibly aware we follow a God who will come and do a work in us. This is what I am encouraging our young people, and our leaders, to lean into. We need to encourage the pursuit of these quiet places, to seek out places of stability and refuge, places where the noise is silenced and God can break through, to find people who will sit and walk and crawl and climb together.

“Darkness comes. In the middle of it, the future looks blank. The temptation to quit is huge. Don’t. You are in good company…You will argue with yourself that there is no way forward. But with God nothing is impossible. He has more ropes, ladders and tunnels out of pits than you can conceive. Wait. Pray without ceasing. Hope.” – John Piper.

Empty Influence.

“Content Note: the following article references themes of suicide and mental health struggles.”

“What piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving, how express and admirable in action, how like an angel in apprehension, how like a god! The beauty of the world. The paragon of animals. And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust?”

― William Shakespeare, Hamlet

I am acutely aware that many, if not all, of the online influencers are not targeting me as their primary audience, and as you might expect I am ok with that. So as I watched the Louis Theroux documentary ‘Inside the Manosphere’ I know my opinion of them isn’t hugely valid to anyone, and the influencers will definitely not care what I have to say. But, as a youthworker and father to a teenager, I feel I am allowed to share some of my thoughts about them and what I noticed as I spent 90 minutes ‘in their world’.

I was left asking a simple question; ‘what do teenagers see in these men?’ So my 55 year old guy viewpoint is this; firstly, I found all of them to be almost caricatures, wildly false personas, extreme versions of self-proclaimed salesmen, life-coaches and mentors, guarded from any conversation aimed at their ‘real’ self. Secondly, and Louis points this out often, they are all simply trying to make money, and not increase the self esteem and worth of young men. Yes I would be naive to think that money, fast cars and girls would not be attractive to young men, but their offer of that seem to be caveated by a sort unhealthy following and ‘worship’, as well as the inevitable need to pay for the “privilege” of being in their orbit. It was clear to me that even though on the surface these influencers seemed “successful” their own value was cheap, shallow and empty. I felt sorry for them as much as for those who had been seduced by them.

I was actually quite saddened by the revelations of two young men that were interviewed, that they simply felt they had no value and their only option was to ‘earn it’ by making money and being economically successful. Their value seemed intertwined with the need to be successful and confident with women as well as spending huge amounts of time honing the physical body to be something worth showing off. My sadness wasn’t just because they thought they had no intrinsic value to start with, but also that they were told that a women’s only value (and advantage) is her physical beauty. Both these ideals are not only damagingly false but they also offer such a heartbreaking limited capacity of value to both men and women.

Actually this isn’t just a teenager challenge, it is actually a guy challenge, a grown man challenge. Did you know 75% of suicides in 2024-2025 were men!! So many men feeling like their life isn’t worth enough. The reason I want to gather fathers and older guys is because not only do we need to see how we can support the young men in our communities, but also because we will most likely know another guy who is struggling. We may be struggling ourselves and just have no one or nowhere to go to. Just because you reach 40 years old doesn’t mean you suddenly get good at sharing your feelings and struggles! We need to create spaces were we can spend unhurried, un-judged time with one another. We need to tell our own stories and listen to the stories of others. We need to model ‘it’s ok to not be ok’. But also, if we find ourselves in a place of contentment and positivity, having benefitted from healthy male role models, how do we share that, how do we pass that on.

Marianne Williamson was spot on when she said “We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

There is a sense that all of us at some point need to to be ‘liberated from our fear’. I do not see or hear anything in these “influencers” that speaks of light and of the glory of God. They do not value people, just ‘the self’, economic success and material value. Our young men deserve more, much more. My prayer is that by gathering together and starting a journey of conversation, vulnerability and connection we will enable all of us to see our true value, and then grow from that.

As I navigated my way through my turbulent 20’s and my unpredictable 30’s I remember finding a bunch of people that spoke my true value over me, in time that value permeated my soul, and then in more time, shaped what I do, how I treated people, what I thought of myself. It is this value that I want others to see in themselves, when the world has told them they are only worth something when they earn it, or if they look a certain way, I want to say ‘no’, let me show you your value.

So we are beginning a series of evenings where we are inviting guys, young men, fathers, to join us in a conversation! We are told that we are all ‘made in God’s image’ – but many of us men fail to see that in us. We duel, we work, we struggle, we earn, we compare, we remain silent, we wander, lost.

I do not have all the answers but I do know we need to talk. We need to tell one another loudly of our intrinsic, God-given, God-crafted, strength, wonder and value. Our true worth is not earned but given.

Encouragement from 4000 miles away.

I know you will be aware of this fact; the Puya Raimondii plant, nicknamed the “Queen of the Andes,” is known for its immense size (up to 40 feet tall) and a rare life cycle where it blooms only once in its lifetime, after 80 to 100 years. As a keen botanist then you will also know that the Eastern White Cedar grows at a rate of about 4 inches every 150 years. Some things just take time to grow, and that is ok! We live in a world where things are needing to be immediate, there has to be ‘instant fruit’ to anything we do or we are left feeling like it wasn’t worth planting in the first place.

A few weeks ago I was blessed to have some massive encouragement from a young person who was part of our youth ministry. Marelie, now studying abroad, shared with me the next part of her God-story and how her faith has grown in recent months. As God has been working in her life more and more she decided to get baptised, and I was able to watch the occasion via livestream. Firstly, it is an utter joy to see anyone be baptised, it’s just the most beautiful and life-giving expression of faith. Secondly, as Marelie shared her testimony and how God has been walking with her, she shared about how the youth ministry I have been leading was significant in keeping her connected to God. In 2021, in response to some of what we lost in the pandemic, we hosted a residential called ‘BackToLife’. It did exactly that, particularly for Marelie, it brought her ‘back to life’, but more than that, it was a seed planted that in time God watered, nurtured and grew. The ‘fruit’ is still coming from that seed and the recent full-life part of Marelie’s journey was in part because of those four days a bunch of us spent together in 2021 recovering from the impact of lockdowns. Between 2021 and 2026 I had bumped into Marelie a few times, we stayed a little connected online, but it wasn’t a frequent and regular connection. But I did know the power of our 2021 trip, I knew it had planted seeds that God was constantly aware of and pouring life into. Just because I didn’t stare at the seed, wondering if any growth was going to birth in any of the young people we invested in, didn’t mean God wasn’t at work. God is always at work. We sow, God grows. We sow, God grows. We sow, God grows.

Growth isn’t always obvious, but we keep sowing, keep inviting, keep praying. I wonder whether sometimes we get too focused on looking for ‘results’ that we forget to sow, and we forget to nurture spaces where growth will naturally happen. I heard someone speak on the ‘parable of the sower’ recently and it was so interesting to hear their understanding of the story was all about God’s generosity in sowing. Yes we should do what we can to ensure ‘good soil’ but actually God is able to work in environments that we may initially feel lack the possibility of growth. As I listened to this person speak, they abundantly and generously threw seed all over the place, imagining they were sowing on all grounds and in all places with zealous generosity.

Maybe our role is to simply sow, and then the God of creation will do what he does – which is to bring life.

I also have the image that sometimes we sow seed (share Jesus with young people) and then stand over them waiting for evidence of growth to happen. Sometimes growth will be obvious soon after but often it takes time, growth needs the right environment but also, as we are talking about people not plants, it can happen outside of any known or traditional timeline. It wasn’t that I had forgotten about Marelie, I often thought of her in my prayers, but the growth there came not from my nurturing and constant care, but from sowing generously years ago, and trusting that God does not waste anything we do for Him.

Marelie has encouraged me in a multitude of ways, not just because of the ministry we ran in 2021, but by reminding me that any seed sown will be always fruitful.

“As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

Isaiah 55:10-11

Forgetting about seeds sown and then remembering again is ok, we get that life is full and things not right in our eye-line tend to drift from memory. But each time you remember a seed sown is an opportunity to pray, to reach out and start a conversation, to allow stories to be shared and relationships to be renewed. Maybe it would help to take time at the beginning of each season to look back and ask God to show you of the seeds planted that need a little nurturing or ‘remembering’. Ask God what seeds are showing growth that need to be protected, watered, pruned and cared for?

The loggerhead turtle, an utterly wonderful creature, reaches maturity at around 35 years, some would argue this is true of any human male! Any parent might be impatient at the lack of growth in the teenage loggerhead turtle, but growth is happening, steady but present. Some things take time and we must resist the pressure to place worldly, instant timelines on growth. I believe God the Creator knows what He is doing, so I serve Him by sowing and not becoming frustrated because I am not rewarded with fruit. I am reminded to focus on two key things in my ministry; to create environments for growth and to sow seeds, to prepare soil and sow generously.

If I do these two things, there will be more stories like Marelie’s and more encouragements to keep going, and of course, there will be more fruit.

A piano, a ball, a cup and some food!

If I gave you a few random objects I wonder what you might do with them? For example, I give you a piano, a ball, a cup and some food. You might think “amazing” and be able to entertain yourself for hours, or you might eat the food and then simply stare at these items not sure what to do next. My reason for this curious question is because recently we ran a 36 hour residential for a bunch of young people, and the most used items over the weekend were; a piano, various balls, some cups and some (well a lot) of food!

267 loves to gather and so back in January we gathered five youth groups together for a trip away. There was joy, there was a lot of food, there was some hilarious and crazy games, there was healthy competition, there was deep friendship, amazing music and loads of unhurried time together. It had been a while since 267 had run a residential and afterwards I had two revelations; I forgot how much energy they take to run, and I forgot how incredibly life-giving they are. God was right in the midst of all we did; as we played, as we unpacked a bible passage, as we heard incredible stories, as we sat and laughed together. We saw ‘full life’ happen, and we are seeing more and more ‘full life’ happening because of our time away. Let me catch my breath and have a rest, and then lets do it all again!

But as I reflect on the time away I am a little astounded that so much of our time was brought to life by the involvement of seemingly ordinary things used primarily outside of my meticulously planned programme! Obviously there was a part of me that then thought why do I plan so much, I should just turn up, drop a few things in the middle of the room and then sit back and watch youthwork happen. But wisdom, experience, God’s favour and years of pouring into youth groups tells me these life-giving environments don’t just happen. They need intentional time, again and again, to be set aside for these safe spaces and joyous gatherings. They need relationships with leaders and young people to be built, trust to be forged and community modelled often. I believe the reason these ordinary items took on such energy and joy is to do with how the young people ‘feel’ in the gathering. They feel welcomed, they feel safe, they feel seen, they feel like they belong here.

It was hugely encouraging if a little bizarre to see how easily these young people embraced simple fun and being present with one another. In all the free time there was always someone at the piano, and then an array of other teenagers surrounding them and singing along to whatever song was being played. Youth asking for a ball just to play ‘catch’ or so many other invented-in-the-moment games! It was simple, beautiful, joyful and reminded me of youth ministry long before tech shaped our world. I know we can’t go back but in the right space we can counteract all the pressure and judgement and comparison and isolation that the online world can cause.

We did put a few things in place to encourage this ‘life’ to happen: we limited phone use, we played a lot together, we had a lots of quality time in smaller teams – incorporating both play and conversation. We talk about ‘intention’ a lot in youthwork, and what that means is ‘doing things on purpose’. Yes we want relaxed time for young people to chill in one another’s company. But the whole aim of our time away was to build relationships, to discover gifts, to explore faith and to connect more deeply as a group. This may happen in a completely natural way but not always, so we long to create spaces where it is easy to connect and form deeper relationships. What has helped us is most of the group, made up of 5 church youth groups, have been journeying together for the past year. This residential was almost a wonderful extended time of our monthly gathering but with the added benefit of starting and ending our day together, sharing meals together and also not having to rush off home at the end of the session.

Our hope always is that the gathering becomes more than the sum of it’s parts, a simple realisation that people benefit from just being together. What happens in the gathering can be planned or random, it can involve organised activity or empty space and time for life to emerge and thrive. I continue to realise we mustn’t ‘do’ youthwork to young people, we must ‘be’ with young people and encourage them to be with one another. So much of what I see in youthwork at the moment is around these ordinary spaces coming to life as young people gather. In them we play, we tell stories, we seek God together, we share thoughts and questions, we laugh, we compete, we embarrass ourselves, we share frustrations and challenges, we explore growing up and pursuing dreams. All these things mustn’t be programmed into our youthwork, our role is to make the time and the space for young people to be together and then allow God to move as they spend unhurried, un-pressured, in-real-life time. I think what you will find happens when you do this is a hunger for all the youthwork things we are told to pursue by our churches and parents, and that we also absolutely passionately hope to do; discipleship, leadership, worship, fellowship, friendship.

Growth happens when just a few things are in place. I am not at all a successful gardener but I know that if you can offer light, warmth, appropriate amounts of water and nutrients, and a little protection from weeds and hungry garden dwellers, then things will grow.

If this is in place, growth happens, this is where we see God performing miracles. We plant, we water, we tend, we protect but the wonder and majesty of growth and life is ALL down to God.

“I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.”1 Corinthians 3:6-7

No Man is an Island.

No Man Is an Island

No man is an island,

Entire of itself;

Every man is a piece of the continent,

A part of the main.

If a clod be washed away by the sea,

Europe is the less,

As well as if a promontory were:

As well as if a manor of thy friend’s

Or of thine own were.

Any man’s death diminishes me,

Because I am involved in mankind.

And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;

It tolls for thee.

John Donne

I am 55 this year, thank you for saying “no way!” I have been reflecting on how life changes as the years past but also what drives me and brings me life. Humans are complicated at times, and the male of the species hasn’t always been amazing at sharing how they are feeling and what challenges life is throwing their way. In my 20’s I think, like many guys, had a sense of immortality and self sufficiency, I was “OK” and didn’t need anyone. Of course, I was wrong, very wrong!

Richard Rohr, a Franciscan friar, wrote an incredible book called ‘Falling Upwards’. I read his book when I was 40 and it literally made no sense, I read it again at 50 and everything made sense – proof that at 40 I hadn’t yet fully grown up!! The book shares about how all the challenges and disappointments in the first half life actually shape us and become opportunities for growth and contentment as we grow older. But we need to recognise this and having people walk the journey with us is essential in navigating these revelations.

Since 1991 I have been ‘doing life’ with 4 guys; Stu, Ash, G and Jonny. We met on a summer camp and our shared faith, love of life and our sense of humour connected us instantly. We decided to model the discipleship we shared with young people by being accountable to one another, basically being there for one another no matter what life threw at us. And so began a journey of 5 guys that involved holidays, day trips to one another’s home town, numerous curries and breakfasts, embarrassing situations, several ridiculous spontaneous sporting events and hours of time sharing our joys, ministries, heartaches, questions and struggles. As a group we have weathered life, death, separation, failure, wounded kids, parenting, living abroad and drastic job changes.

In 2020 we lost one of our tribe. Stu was the heart of our group and his humour, eccentricity, sporting knowledge and his love for each of us made us all better men. I often think did Stu feel like an island? Did he feel like he was broken off from the mainland? Did life throw so much at him that he needed more connectedness that the rest of us. I miss my friend and the rest of us try to remember him as often as we can. One of the reasons we still meet up, some 35 years after we began, is because we know how important having someone close by is. As the remaining 4 of us meet we know we cannot simply have surface relationships, we have to be open and honest, willing to listen about all the mess, the mess that we might hide away most of the time. But this mess is part of us, it shapes us, and if shared, reflected on and prayer into, can enable us to be stronger in the years that follow. By sharing we become better parents, husbands and friends.

As the years have passed and life has happened, I realised that the relationships that have stood the test of time are the ones with these 4 guys, they have deeply blessed me, but more than that, these relationships have kept me alive. The poem by John Donne is absolutely correct, particularly about guys, even though it is talking about all humans. No man is an island, we are connected, we need to be connected, the state of someone close to us will impact us too, both their joys and their sorrows. It is this connectedness that can enable us to keep going, without it we are like islands; lost, separate, open to the wild constant battering of the surrounding storms.

Being close to someone means we get effected by what they are going through, like waves that hit our boat as another boat passes. Romans 12:15 says beautifully that we should “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

The guys that I have journeyed with have been for me always, to rejoice and to mourn. They are still cheering me on, still asking questions, still making time. Even with full lives, busy jobs, family commitments, we have to keep making time for one another. We met up a few weeks ago and it was an incredible time. As we ate, walked, told stories, remembered Stu, childishly threw a ball and sat in a cathedral, I pondered about my journey with these guys. I felt blessed and known but I also wanted this for others, for the sons, brothers, dads, and grandparents in my world.

In the story of Job we find a guy who has all the storms of life thrown at him at the same time. It is my favourite book of the bible even if I find myself constantly confused and challenged by it. At the beginning of the story as Job is desolate and broken, his friends decide to come to him in his hour of need. For much of the book his friends try to “fix” what has happened, but here as they arrive, they get things right. They simply sit on the ground with their unrecognisable and wounded friend, nothing is said for 7 days but they are together. The wounds of one become the wounds of them all.

My 4 friends know me, they REALLY know me. It is this ‘being known’ which I believe is essential for guys to find a fuller life. We get to a point where life isn’t about money or achievements or dating or business, it is about something else; a contentment and a fullness of life, it’s about finding hope and purpose that isn’t achieved through my own energy alone. But this can only come when we allow ourselves to be known by others. Finding a bunch of guys that you can say how you feel, where you can bring your frustrations, where it is safe to share your own brokenness and limitation. In these spaces life becomes fuller because you realise you are not alone, you are not an island.

This is just my humble wisdom as an almost 55 year old. Thankful for the friends that chose me 35 years ago and continue to choose me. I pray you will take something from these words that will enable you to be known, embrace friendship and choose connection.

So guys, please, please; connect deeply with your friends. Do real life together as often as you can. Be honest. Weather the storms. Keep meeting even when it’s hard. When you are wounded, be carried. When you are strong, carry someone. Amen.

No matter how dark it gets, light breaks through!

I sat in a café today, no surprise there! I paused for a moment as the morning sun burst from behind me and I noticed how it boldly illuminated objects and people and shapes in front of me. The shadows almost becoming outlines of the light; a peculiar reminder that sometimes the darkness we see, which we often do not understand, actually serves as something that only makes the light entering our spaces even more powerful and profound.

In Gaelic, there is a word for speckled light— ‘solasbreac’—it’s a quiet kind of light, that arrives softly, it finds its way through branches and leaves, breaking through shadow in gentle glimpses – reminding us that illumination does not need to be whole or loud or powerful. The darkness we face, the shadows we experience, actually emphasise and point to the presence of a great light. It does seem bizarre that we would acknowledge darkness in order to be able to see the light more clearly. But maybe that is what life is about? We know the world isn’t as it should be, we know we do not always live as God would like us to, there are situations out of our control and understanding. There is shadow, there is darkness, but neither of them can withstand the presence and power of light; this is Christmas, this is what our world needs, this is the good news of Jesus!

The lamp was burning dim and the first cold light of dawn was breaking through the window. The night had been long and dark but the day was the sweeter and the purer in consequence. – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Over the past few days we have witnessed horrific news of lives being taken on Bondi beach, but what also fills my news feed is the heroism of individuals willing to counteract darkness at great personal cost. We absolutely must challenge and speak out against those who would pursue darkness and senseless acts of violence, BUT also we should speak loudly about those would be the light that we need in this world. The world is sometimes a forest of darkness and shadow, but within that forest we see light almost forcing its way through every gap it can find, relentlessly opposing darkness and refusing it to blot out light completely.

Maybe a role for us all at this time is to be a ‘Noticer’? In Andy Andrews bestselling book ‘The Noticer’, the main character, ‘Jones’, was an old man who helps people find a new perspective on their problems by offering wisdom and helping them shift their viewpoint. Maybe as ‘noticers’ we can refuse to allow the shadows to dictate our viewpoint and to be then constantly looking for the light, to be taking the time to pause, look up and celebrate those who would be light.

As I spend time in the Christmas story I am drawn again to the role of shepherds, the wise men, Mary and Joseph as ‘noticers’; people who witness the light that is Jesus and are then called to share and celebrate – “The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.” Luke 2:20. Scientists say that light can theoretically travel forever, the energy doesn’t diminish, it just gets harder to measure as it gets further away. This is the power of light – eternal, powerful, conquering darkness and bringing illumination; no wonder it is a name given to to Jesus – the Light of the world.

Light, first initiated by God, then given its fullness in Jesus, and now replicated through us as we become ‘noticers’ and live and love like Jesus…

“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn.”

Isaiah 60:1-3 NIVUK